Heather Cherry

[SNUGGLES] And how was ur day, Mummy?

2011-04-05T17:10:00.004-05:00

Pls to tell me all about it, k?

An Open Letter to My Dogs

2011-03-31T12:19:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to My Dogs

Dear Snuggles and Clover:

Good gravy, what in the world did you two eat? Are you even aware that your farts can penetrate Kevlar? The next time I need to sandblast something I'll just bottle some of your abominable flatulence. You have a permanent fog hovering around you like Pigpen from Peanuts. I no longer have any nose hair. Your farts can peel varnish and dissolve acid. True story, I once saw a pit bull fart make Chuck Norris cry. The smell is so bad my eyes are watering and my nose is running. And by "my nose is running" I mean, like, my nose literally jumped off my face and ran away in fear and revulsion. It went into the Witness Protection Program and now I'll never find it. The fallout is truly heinous. The blast radius is the width of a city block. I now have a new theory for what killed off the dinosaurs.

With nothing but love for you (but not your gas),

Heather

Our bad.

What is smellier than Brussels sprouts being cooked?

2011-03-16T11:30:00.002-05:00

Here is a very short list of things that might possibly smell worse than Brussels sprouts:

For example, one of those situations we've all come across at one time or another, where a bum ate spoiled tuna fish, then threw up in a pair of old shoes he found in a dumpster, and then decided, screw it - I'm still gonna wear these shoes because, well, they're shoes. And they're better than what I've got... which is no shoes. You know... that old chestnut.
Matthew McConaughey wearing an adult diaper.
Satan's sweat after eating bad Mexican for a week straight.
A pile of jock straps in the Green Bay Packers' locker room after Super Bowl XLV. Worse still: Brett Favre's jock strap. Cuz he's just gross.
The breath of a Komodo dragon with halitosis.
The seafood counter at a grocery store, having been abandonded after a nuclear holocaust.
Maybe this?
The big vat of old cooking grease out back of a Chinese restaurant. In 100-degree weather. In a Detroit slum.
The big vat of old leftover pieces of stomach out back of a black market clinic... you know, one of those places that cuts out part of your stomach and then staples it so that you can only eat one grape at a time? Yeah, that.
The "Bog of Eternal Stench" from The Labyrinth. AFTER David Bowie has thrown those pants in and tossed in some onions and garlic, stirred everything up real good, and made a nice stew out of it.
Jonah, after being puked up by the whale.
That stuff that comes out from between your teeth while you're flossing, if you saved it in a mayonnaise jar for a year straight, then buried it in a hole in your compost heap, then dug it up after another year and opened the jar to take a big whiff.
A giant's butt crack at high noon. (I don't know what that means.)
A bucket of chum past its expiration date.
Rasputin's beard.*
Tom Selleck's mustache. Just kidding. Tom Selleck's mustache should probably be knighted.
A line of Porta-Potties outside a Phish concert.
A hippie with a foot fungus standing in the middle of a sewage treatment plant in the middle of a cow pasture in the middle of a hog farm in the middle of a landfill.

Yeah, I know I pick on hippies. But in my defense, it's only cuz they're gross.

So here's my challenge to you: come up with the best and funniest description of the worst thing you ever smelled and leave it in the comments. I will put the best ones in a future post.

*Grigori Rasputin was one of the nastiest guys to have ever lived. He always reeked because he didn't bathe. His hair was always a greasy, matted mess. And his unkempt beard was often crusted with old chunks of food.

The Open Letters Blog

2011-03-15T11:55:00.000-05:00

Almost two years ago, some other bloggers and I decided to start a blog together where we could post all of our open letters. We've decided to open it up for submissions and if your letter is good enough, we might post it on The Open Letters Blog. Head on over to today's post to read more.

Retch-tables

2011-03-14T11:55:00.004-05:00

As I mentioned a while back, my parents are staying with me whilst they build a new house. Now, I have to say... when it comes to all things foul-smelling, I thought pit bull farts were bad, but my friends, there is something much worse and far more nefarious, I must tell you. Mom and Dad eat a TON of vegetables. Like, vegetables coming out of their ears. In particular, beans, broccoli, and cauliflower. You may be thinking that I'm going somewhere else with this - maybe that parental farts are worse than pit bull farts. But thankfully, that's not the problem since they take Beano like it's their job.

Some slogans Beano rejected...

Beano: "So you don't smell like you pooped your pants."

Beano: "Ew, you're nasty."

The problem is the veggies themselves. Mom is constantly cooking some abominable smelling retch-tables in my kitchen, which then stink up the whole house. If rotten eggs had armpits and didn't wear deodorant, this is what it would smell like. It's like a diarrhea factory on fire. It's what it would smell like if poop had a bowel movement*. The worst of the lot is the batches of exceptionally malodorous kraut, broccoli, and cauliflower that Mom cooks to smithereens. And in particular, Cauliflower was my enemy numero uno until a new smelly veg moved in last week. I submit to you... the Brussels sprout. Mom has started roasting these things, or frying them, or just torturing them to death, or something. I don't know, whatever. The point is, the stench is so horrifyingly putrid. It's like a rotten cauliflower crawled up a Brussels sprout's butt and died. But before any of that happened, 43 pit bulls farted on a skunk and then the skunk got hit by the smelliest garbage truck in the world, which was incidentally being driven by hippies. The skunk unfortunately got stuck to the tire of the garbage truck like a piece of old chewing gum. Then the truck proceeded to drive into the cauliflower's butt. Really just a chain reaction of unfortunate, stinky events.

I think this may qualify as child abuse. Does anyone know of a hotline I can call or something?

*EDITOR'S NOTE: My brother, Jake, insisted on me giving him credit for this one since he came up with it. I don't mind doing that. He got his sense of humor from me anyway.

An Open Letter to the State of Arizona

2011-03-10T13:00:00.003-06:00

An Open Letter to the State of Arizona

Dear Arizona:

What the crap? Why are you exempt from Daylight Saving Time? That is so unfair, State of Arizona. I, for one, am not a happy camper. This business of springing forward, falling back, hopping sideways, and skipping in circles is getting a little frigging old. And I will be hating my alarm clock with that little bit of extra fervor come Sunday. But you, Arizona? You’ll be happy as a clam, secure in the knowledge that 8 AM is still 8 AM and all is right with the world. Except for the part of the world that is springing forward! Lame!

Totally jealous of you,

Heather
Oklahoma, USA

cc: Hawaii

Word Verification

2011-03-03T08:00:00.002-06:00

Sorry, folks. I know typing in those stupid gibberish words are annoying as all crap, but I'm getting spammed left and right, so I've added it. Sue me!*

*Please don't sue me. I'm getting out of debt and I'm on a budget right now.

And I don't like spam!

Smells like freedom... and burning plastic.

2011-03-02T16:26:00.025-06:00

Jake filmed the destruction and posted it on his YT page.

(sorry if you see this more than once in your reading list... was trying to remember how to size the video down)

An Open Letter to My Credit Card

2011-03-01T20:40:00.003-06:00

An Open Letter to My Credit Card

Dear Credit Card:

I know this might seem like it's completely out of the blue, but... well... how do I say this? To put it as gently as possible, I'm breaking up with you, you jackhole. I know, I know... I'm sorry. We've had some great times. We really have. Remember that shopping spree at Anthropologie? Remember when I got LASIK? Remember when Snuggles had to have unexpected surgery? Yeah... I'm still paying for those things. Not cool, you know? Your manipulative ways have held me captive in your unrelenting grasp for too long. I've come to realize I'm just another number in your little black book. Account No. XXXX XXXX XXXX 0231, actually.

And so, Credit Card, I'm cutting you off. I'm cutting you out of my life completely. And, well, I'm actually going to literally cut you up as well. And believe me when I say it will hurt me more than it will hurt you. Because I will actually have to start paying for things. And it's going to sting for a while. But in the end, it will turn out for the best. For both of us. Well... maybe not for you. But definitely for me. And hey, chin up; someday we'll look back on this and laugh.

It's not you. It's me. Well... actually, it is you. It's 100% you, and you suck.

Not so fondly,

Heather
(your soon to be debt-free ex)

P.S. I've been seeing someone else. His name is Ca$h Money.

Model Behavior

2011-02-28T13:15:00.002-06:00

I love the way models pose in catalogs. It's always so... natural.

Yes, Officer. I understand that I've been placed under arrest for "Modeling While Under the Influence of an Ugly Mauve Shirt Tunic Thing", and yes, I understand my rights as you've read them to me.

They told me these beads were made of shell, so I'm listening to see if I can hear the ocean.

This bag is so large I can hardly hold it up.

I really need to pee. Can I be excused from the photo shoot?

I've got an itch right... about... here.

Really? Cuz I've got one right back here. We should totally start a club!

I hate you.

Just kidding, lol!

I have scoliosis.

An Open Letter to My Alarm Clock

2011-02-23T13:05:00.001-06:00

An Open Letter to My Alarm Clock

Dear Alarm Clock:

I hate you.

That is all.

Sincerely,

Me

[CLOVER] Pawprints, shmawprints

2011-02-18T12:55:00.013-06:00

When Mom bought these fancy cover thingies for all the pati-o furnichur, I was all, why in the world would furnichur need to wear Snuggies? She mentioned sumthing about protecting the furnichur from the wether, so I guess that's what they're for. Cuz I can't imagine any other possible use for those covers. Nope, can't think of a thing.

It wasn't me.

Questionable Decorating

2011-02-17T13:15:00.002-06:00

Real people that don't live inside catalogs don't decorate like this. But wouldn't it be fun if they did???

Oh, dear. How are we ever going to camouflage this Airstream camper?

Wait! I've got it!

Perfect. Now no one will ever notice it...

Oh, honey, don't mind that huge crack in the wall. We can always hide under this gigantic pile of pillows if chunks of plaster start to fall off.

"F" stands for what. The FRICK.

Thisroomhassomuchgoingonmyhedmayasplode.

Oh, I forgot. This picture comes from the pages of the newest Hoarders Room Decor catalog.

Oh my stars. It's the Enchanted Forest of the Wrinkled Duvet Covers. Praise be.

My dearest darling,

I am writing this letter to tell you how intoxicating your love is. It is much like a summer breeze gently caressing the branches of a stooped willow tree. It is not at all unlike the way that one guy loved that one chick in The Notebook. Some might say our love is akin to a rushing flood and the world is a tiny beaver dam that the flood of our love is bursting through like so many twigs. O this love, I cannot contain - oh drat. I've gone and written on my bedsheets again. I've really got to stop writing love letters while I'm on Tylenol PM.

The matching gigantic boulder nightstand, dresser, and highboy really create a sense of harmony in this space. It was a good choice to move the bed into the shade, though, so as to avoid pesky afternoon nap sunburn. Now if you'll excuse me, the sun is setting, so I shall turn on my 14 bedside lamps and read for a bit.

'Nother Round of Vintage Ads

2011-02-15T13:00:00.002-06:00

Two sizes-Regular and Hospital

Seriously, I do not want to know what hospital size is.

And the award for most racist gelatin advertisement goes to...

The copy on this ad reads:

"Mammy sent dis ovah"

JELL-O is known to all sections as "America's Most Famous Dessert." In the South, for instance, it is inexpensive enough to be found in the cabins of the old plantation. It is delicious enough to meet the standards of good living at the "Big House." It is dainty enough for milady's afternoon tea. It is appealing enough to turn the sinful, of any color, away from his neighbor's melon patch.

Yes, please read that again, if you need to. Jell-O: America's Most Famous Racist Dessert.

HolycrapJell-Oareyouserious.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Looks like fun, though.)

Effanbee Dolls, you say?

"Hey, that's a really nice effan' bee doll!"

"Yeah, you like my effan' bee doll? You want to see this effan' bee doll up close?"

"HEY! Get that effan' bee doll outta my face!"

Reminds me of these:

What're you doin'? Oh, nothing. Just sittin' here eatin' some elfin' crackers is all.

Early graffiti.

Yo, that's a mad tag, yo.

How to keep your silk underwear and stockings: don't go to a Tom Jones concert.

[SNUGGLES] Pack-packs!

2011-02-08T11:53:00.007-06:00

Wanna know wut my favorite thing is? I know you prolly does! It's my pack-pack! Mummy got them for us to wear wen we take her for a walk. She puts sum weight in them so we get a workout and we sheep good at night. Mummy always sez, "A tired pit bull is a happy pit bull," wutever that means. I do know that I'm ready for a good rub-down when we get home and that my tung hangs out real far and I smile lots. Mum sez the pack-packs give us a job to do. It's pretty cool to have a job to do. Cuz then I can bring home da bacons. And I like bacons a lot. We walk better wiff our pack-packs and don't try to pull so mush. We like to pull so mush so Mum can go MUSH! and then we pull her real good like one of them super hairy sled goggies. Also, Mum sez sumtimes I am "leech reactive" and my pack-pack makes me walk nicer on leech. I dunno what a leech is, but it sounds slimy. [Note: my sissy Clover just tole me that leeches suck.] All I know is that "Backpack Time" is my most favoritest time and I love when Mummy sez it's that Time!

I shud also prolly tell you that the first time we came home after we weared our pack-packs, Mummy noticed that the straps were "chafing" my big muscley chest. Since I like to flex and show off my chest for the laydees, I tole her we needed to do sumthing about this. So she buyed some neesox from The Targets and sewed them so they wud cover the straps. The straps feel mush better now and we look super cool, too. The sox is stripey and have skulls and crossbonez. I like my new sox cuz for one, any kind of bonez is good bonez. And for two, it makes me feel liek a pirate and that's cool cuz I awreddy has a eye patch! Anyways, if you decide to gets a pack-pack, make shure to tell your mummy to get some neesox. Yours don't hafta have pirate things. They cud have butterflys or pokadots or spayships or wutever!

Pls no paparotzis, thx.

Come on, let's go awreddy!

Snow Blizzard Ice Calamity of 2011

2011-02-04T08:00:00.001-06:00

Take the snow, for example. Please.

As this crazy weather has gone on, we’ve begun to hear new weather terms on the news, which I suspect are just made up. A couple of them being “Thunder Sleet” and “Ground Blizzard”. Totally not real. So, being the helpful and awesome person that I am, here are some other dastardly weather phenomena you probably haven’t heard of, but might want to watch out for:

Slush Earthquakes

Hail Flurries

Snow Tornados

Icicle Storms

Snowdrift Tidal Waves

Cumulonimb-slush Clouds

Rainflakes

I'm sure there are other new weather thingies that could pose a threat; I just haven't made them up yet.

Two feet of snow

The other interesting thing that has developed is the media’s insistence that simply “The Blizzard and Snow and Such that is Currently Happening Here but Also Other Places” apparently doesn’t cut the mayo as a name for the blizzard and snow and such that is currently happening here but also other places, so they’ve taken to nicknaming the thing in order to give it a nicer or more menacing ring. For example, The Great Blizzard of 2011 or The Blizzard of the Century or The Blizzard of the New Millennium. My favorite from one of the local news stations is… wait for it… Winter Gone Wild! No, I'm not kidding. I guess the storm wasn’t satisfied with the destruction it has already caused, so now in an effort to get more attention, it has gotten with its college sorority sisters and allowed pervy men to video it and put the DVD’s on the internet. Have you no shame, Blizzard?

Some of the funnier names I’ve heard non-news people come up with include Snowpocalypse, Snowmageddon, and my favorite, Snowlonoscopy. Inspired, I came up with a few of my own:

Catast-snow-phe

Freezing Reign (of Terror)

Snow Day Melee

Ice Crisis

Winter Massacre

Plague of Precipitation

Dev-ice-station

Bobcat-aclysm

Curse of the Flurries

De-snow shovel-bacle

Icicle-bacle

Frozen Pipes of Doom

The Great Drift Disaster

State of Emergensleet

Salt Truck Havoc

The Scourge of the Dripping Faucets

Fiasc-snow

Bane of the Tire Chains

Snow Woes

Blight of the Unique Snowflakes

Got any to add?

[CLOVER] I got crabs!

2011-02-02T16:15:00.001-06:00

bahahahahahahahaha

LOL, made ya look. I'm not that kind of girl! You should have already knowed that from my last post!

Okay so, my Uncle Jake is a children's worship pastor and he's always doing these super weird things to entertain the little peoples. Like this one time he had the little peoples play this gross game where they had to make two lines facing each other and then race to the middle to pick up a slimy, squishy octopus! Like, a real one! Uncle Jake is so totally weird! And awesome!

So, the other day he decided to do a illustrayshun for the little peoples with these two big ol' Dungarees Crabs. I didn't know crabs wore jeans! So anyways, he said he was gonna put the crabbies into a bucket to show how a single crab can crawl out of a bucket wiffout problems. But if there is more than one crab, they all pull each other down in an effort to be the first one out. I can identify, because I always have to beat Snuggles out the door to the back yard. And sometimes we look like the Three Stooges (or just two of them) when we get stuck in the doorway together. I think the illustrayshun with the crabs wearing jeans was about selfishness or about crabs being weird and stinky and gross or maybe crustacean fashion for 2011. Whatever. It had a point. I think.

I dare you to even TRY and catch me.

Here's a video of me checking out the crabs. I was very fascinated with how smelly they were. It made me want to roll around on them like I do when I find a worm in the grass.

Snuggles was not at all interested in the crabbies. Here's how he felt about them:

Get those things away from me.

If you ask me, he was acting a little crabby about the whole thing.

[CLOVER] Yes, we are HOTT. So what?

2011-01-27T12:40:00.001-06:00

So, fun fact... Snugs and I were out walking our Mommy this week and not one, but TWO times, we got stopped by ridiculous peeps with an even more REE-DIK-YOO-LUSS query. No, dummies, we will not have sex with your doggies! Look, I know me and my little bro are super fine, as well as highly sought-after for photo shoots, not to mention all that and a bag of dog biscuits, BUT that doesn't give you the right to proposition us in the middle of da streetses! Ew. As if. We are NOT that kind of gal/guy. You, a random stranger, calling out, "-ey! Are those boys or girls? Cuz I got a girl pit and we're lookin' to breed her. You wanna breed yours?" is not going to get you far with our Mum. She is not pimping us out! Besides, we got no special partses left anyways.

Dummies.

Srsly.

*RME*

We only has eyes for each other

An Open Letter to the Remote Control

2011-01-20T17:10:00.001-06:00

An Open Letter to the Remote Control

Dear Remote Control:

Where are you? I'm tired of your little games. I know you're not in the couch cushions; I already checked there.

Show yourself.

Regards,

Heather

Um... anybody still out there?

2011-01-17T16:16:00.021-06:00

I know, right???

I have not made a peep on this blog in LITERALLY millions of years (my definition of "pet peeve": using the word “literally” completely wrong).

So since you are dying to know, and by “dying to know”, I mean “couldn't care less”, I will update you on my stellar life…

My niece, Piper, is still the awesomest thing since unsliced bread. She’s now a year-and-a-half and the new things she does every time I see her are just amazing. And hilarious. She is so awesome, it is just beyond.

Behold the cuteness.

My nickname is “Aunt Tootle”, so she calls me “T” and that just simply rules. Also, she is turning out to be SO much like her Aunt T, and of course you know I just heart that. For one thing, she laughs really hard and really loud, with a bit of a scream-y edge at times, which only serves to make me go like this: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! And then I go “neener-neener-neener” to my brother because he always gets mad when I laugh too loud and wake the baby, and now I get to say, you better get used to it, buddy!

Second, I took the Pipe shopping with me and when I was ready to pay for my purchases at Sephora, she grabbed my credit card from me and handed it over to the cashier as if she’d been doing it all her life. Oh, the pride that swelled within me. On a related note, she’s also resembles a much younger but equally cute me in that she already has a killer fashion sense. She almost shattered the Richter scale of cute when she recently wore tiny baby boyfriend jeans complete with dark wash and fat cuffs and a long cardigan thrown over it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

Wearing the ultra-hip owl jammies I got her for Christmas.

Modeling for her one-year photo shoot.

And she’s almost as crazy about animals as yours truly…

Exhibit A: The “chore” that she’s taken upon herself to do at home is letting the dog out of her crate. She goes straight into Annabelle’s room and opens the latch on the crate (by herself usually) and then it is all business as she leads the little foofy Yorkie-Poo to the back door and commands her to “pee-pee!” And she FREAKS OUT if you try and do her “chore” for her.

Exhibit B: She’s also bonkers about my pit bulls. She yells to them incessantly, “Puuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup-pyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!” 43 times in a row if they are not perched right next to her. She yells this as she beckons with a come-hither hand signal and then pats the spot next to her. She has taken to leaning in for a kiss right on their moufs and going, “Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmwah!” as she puckers. Then giggles like a school girl when they kiss her back. Also, she doesn’t mind when they try and eat her, as pit bulls are wont to do with small children.

Fear me.

Exhibit 12: She loves the zoo. On a recent day off work, Christy, Piper, and I went to the OKC Zoo mainly so that Christy and I could torture ourselves after watching The Cove. If you haven’t seen it, it will shatter you. Anyway, we had a great time despite our guilt over oppressed dolphins. Piper kept yelling to the buffaloes, “Puuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup-pyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!” I mean, it was pretty cute when she called the wolves “puppies”, but come on… gigantic buffalo puppies, Piper? Now that’s just getting a little ridiculous. Despite being in a zoo around lions and tigers and bears (I will not say “Oh, my!”), her favorite animal was always the “duckies”. I taught her what the goat says, which wasn’t difficult because they were “maaaaaaaaaah”-ing away locked behind the fence in their pen. I was pissed because the petting zoo was closed that day and we couldn’t even go in there and play with them. Besides, I really wanted to interview one of them and ask why their eyes are so creepy. Like Satan. Christy and I were gonna teach The Doodle what a giraffe says, but then we decided we don’t know what a giraffe says, so instead we taught her what the goose says. We saw some puppies (AKA foxes) going nigh-nigh (AKA sleeping) on a big rock in the sunshine, then listened to an old man regale his wife with fascinating trivia about the little critters he referred to as “MeerRATS”, and later we caught a glimpse of the rare Great North American Domestic Housecat as he stealthily stalked a trashcan. The trashcans got spooked and started a stampede and it all got a pretty crazy and I think I blacked out for a little bit shortly after yelling to my sister and her daughter, “SAAAAAAAVE YOURSEEEEEEELVES!!!!!” But the best moment of the day by far occurred in the ape house. There was a scholarly-looking nerdy dude sitting by the exhibit window sketching a gorilla. We sat down the way a bit right next to two other gorillas, one of which was pressed up against the glass as if he was leaning on Piper for support. We were pointing out the “monkeys”, naming them thusly for simplicity’s sake, and we were having a rousing game of “What does the monkey say?” when the artist guy, who was clearly on holiday from his home country Pretentioustan, dryly remarks, “AK-tually, these are apes.” *facepalm* I think Christy and I rolled our eyes so hard and so high up into our brains that we actually had a collective stroke. I think even Piper was heard to mutter, “OMG, what a buttmunch.” I’m pretty sure I heard her say that.

In other news… I’m going to be an aunt again!!! Christy is 6 months along and due late April. Just as Piper was nicknamed “Tater” before her gender and real name were revealed at birth, we have nicknamed the new baby “Beanie” because of that one time when Christy told us she was the size of a bean. Which leads me to the next thing… she... is a SHE!!! Just as they have with all other things baby, Christy and Jake announced this bit of info in surprise fashion. When they found out they were expecting Piper, they showed up to my parents’ house and took off their jackets to reveal these shirts they had made:

Then at my 31st birthday dinner this last September, their gift to me was the tee-ninesiest little onesie that said, “I heart Aunt Tootle.” My reaction? “This is so cute! But…………. it won’t fit Piper………?” To which Christy replied with a knowing look, “That’s because it’s for a newborn.” It took literally a bunch of seconds before it finally dawned on my dad, mom, and me what that meant. Best birthday present ever, though! Even if I was a little slow on the take.

And so, on par with the aforementioned shenanigans, my dad opened a package on Christmas morning labeled “From: Beanie”, which contained a DVD. Jake and Christy said it was the ultrasound they’d just had done. We were so excited, even though we knew that they had planned to wait for the birth of the baby to find out the sex, just as they’d done with Piper. We popped it in to watch and after several minutes of cooing over the grainy moving images, the song “Sisters” from White Christmas suddenly started playing. Thing is, we had watched White Christmas the night before, so at first my parents and I thought something was messed up with the sound and that we were hearing the other movie somehow. Which made zero sense because that DVD was no longer in the player, mostly due to the fact that the ultrasound DVD was. We are not rocket surgeons as you’ve surely surmised. And yet again, it was forever and a day until we finally figured out they were trying to tell us something. And that that something was that Piper would be having a little sister. We didn’t even notice at first that the labels came up on the screen pointing out the “girl parts” as the scan caught the, uh, business shot. Can’t get anything past us, no sir. We’re about as sharp as a feather bed upholstered in velvet floating on a sea of bubbles. As is typical, the response was in this order: me screaming and laughing, Mom bawling her eyes out, and Dad just sitting there with the proudest grin on his face.

My children, Snuggles and Clover, are still the cutest and funniest inventions since breadboxes were invented in order to store sliced bread. They are just complete dorkwad nutcases and they make me laugh everyday. I bought them backpacks to burn off some of their energy on our walks. I’m excited about that. Plus, they can carry all my crap. Like bottles of water. Poo bags. Trail mix. Mace. Trolls. A first aid kit. Emergency flares. My Smith and Wesson. Red lipstick. And spaghetti. It’s pretty handy.

Yes. Those are trap door jammies.

So……………………………… my parents moved in with me. They say it’s because they’re building their dream house and need a place to stay since their other house already sold, but really I just think it’s a classic case of “failure to launch”. It’s a pretty funny dynamic. Usually it’s a kid moving back in with his hapless parents and things quickly go south. Like when I moved back into my parents’ house in Oklahoma after having lived in Indiana for three years, one of which was spent solo in an apartment, only to find that the parentals were ready to reinstate the 8:00 o’clock curfew I hadn’t had since I was a toddler. During that first summer back home, I spent a lot of time of an evening at a coffee house located in an artsy, granola-type part of town. I would chill with my homies in the outdoor café area until the wee hours, just taking in the sounds of poetry slams, the wafting scent of patchouli, the snatches of conversations between self-righteous atheists, the wafting scent of clove cigarettes, the bitter taste of herbal tea that’s supposed to taste good but really it just tastes like freshly-mowed ragweed, the wafting scent of what I like to call “The Reefer”, and the mournful strains of an acoustic guitar behind an open mic. My Dad didn’t like this one bit. He would chide me, insisting, “Didn’t you know that’s where all the Vietnamese gangs hang out, Heather?” Dad likes to remind me that he grew up in Oklahoma City and knows everything about it, including, apparently, the fact that art snobs and Asian gangstas like to kick it together. I tried to tell him that all I had to be afraid of was dirty hippies. The worst they could do was kidnap me and force me to not shower. The fit really hit the shan the night I was “accidentally” out past 5 AM. Come on… 5 AM is not that late. I mean, actually, it’s early since it’s technically the next morning. So uh, yeah.

But that was then and this is now. And we’re having so much fun. I probably should mention that I sold my house and bought a new one back in April. I moved into an awesome 1938 Cape Cod/Colonial on a historic block and it's like a dream home. I will post pictures soon. My parents have an entire guest suite to themselves since the top two stories have a guest room, bathroom, and TV room. The dogs think they’ve died and gone to heaven what with Nan-Nan and Pa being accessible 24-7. And I have to say, since one of my parents usually beats me home after work, they go ahead and let the dogs out of their room and it’s so nice coming home to butt wiggles at the front door. Mom and Dad are roughing it, though. They’ve had to downgrade from their king-size bed to the queen in my guest room. And since the garage was converted years ago into an office, which has now became my dogs’ room, they are having to get used to the idea of parking Mom’s beloved Mustang and Dad’s F-3000-or-whatever-it-is gigantor monster truck out in the weather. In the driveway! What’s worse is my dad had to rent a storage unit for his Corvette. It must be rough. My heart bleeds for them. In all seriosity, they are model tenants and never complain even though I’m charging them $3,000 per day for rent. What? Baby needs a new pair of shoes. Preferably Louboutins. Speaking of, I get to indulge my love for dressing my mom up like my very own life-sized, middle-aged dolly. I think she doesn’t mind that part either. She’s also declared that she is taking over kitchen duty. And it’s not rare for me to walk out in the yard and find my dad raking the leaves. Word.

Let’s see… what else…

Oh yeah, almost immediately after turning 31, I received an AARP membership card in the mail. Not just once. But TWICE. Really? 31? Oh, and my little brother just turned 30. LOL. Wow, getting older is so weird!

We are so mature.

Other updates…

I am a rapper now. You read that right. I will put the videos up soon.

I am no longer addicted to “Words With Friends”. That ship has sailed.

I have never played “Angry Birds”.

The group I sing with actually got to perform the National Anthem at an NBA game recently. I will post more about that later.

I haven’t read any of your blogs in ages so I’m sorry for that and will try and get caught up soon.

Michael Jackson is still dead.

Snuggles and Clover have been asking to post more on the blog. Thus demonstrating that their mom thinks that just because she enjoys reading dog blogs that everyone else does, too. But how can I tell them no when they are just so darn adorable?

My hair is now a deeper auburn shade of red.

I still hate Nickelback.

And Michael Vick is still a grade-A, 100% certified, genuine douchebag.

What's new with you???

Piper's Diapers

2010-04-05T12:00:00.000-05:00

My beautiful sister-in-law Christy and my niece Piper were on the local news the other day for a story about cloth diapering. Check out Christy's blog post with a link to the vid!

Happy Easter!

2010-04-04T08:00:00.001-05:00

I Can Has Cheezburger

I Has a Hotdog

LOL Manuscripts!

Martha Stewart Facts

2010-03-26T15:00:00.000-05:00

I’m sure most of you have already heard all of the Chuck Norris Facts before. Some of my favorites include:

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure cancer. Sadly, it will never happen because Chuck Norris has never cried. Ever.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have a chin; just another fist behind his beard.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.

Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.

In addition, there are now other assorted and sundry "facts" to be enjoyed upon the internets, such as Michael Bay Facts:

Instead of working out, Michael Bay blows up houses and runs away from them in slow motion.

Michael Bay once made an explosion so big, it never went out. We now call it "The Sun".

Michael Bay once paid for his meal... in slow motion.

Michael Bay has 2 speeds: Slow Motion and On Fire.

Michael Bay dreams in CGI.

In light of these new developments in the fake fact-generating industry, I decided I should gather a list of facts for a more unlikely target: Martha Stewart.

Here we go...

Martha Stewart Facts

Martha Stewart does not organize her closets. She stares the clutter down until it sorts itself into perfectly categorized and labeled bins and baskets. Then she makes a soufflé to celebrate the victory.

Martha Stewart once roundhouse-kicked a rosebush in the face and it instantly turned into an orange tree.

Martha Stewart was not born. She constructed herself out of papier-mâché. Also, she is filled with candy. For the children.

Martha Stewart once fought off 70 ninjas with only a set of lemon madeleine-nunchucks. Then she served the nunchucks to guests at a dinner party with a lovely brown sugar and pear reduction.

Martha Stewart didn’t go to prison. The prison went to her.

Martha Stewart does not use non-stick spray to coat her bundt pan… she sweats into the pan. Also, her sweat smells like a lavender sachet. Also, she uses her sweat to make lavender sachets.

Martha Stewart once created a working radio using only a paper clip, a stick of Juicy Fruit Gum, and a dust bunny. No wait, that was MacGyver.

Martha Stewart once defused a bomb using only a doily, a single cupcake sprinkle, and a professional bomb squad. True story.

Martha Stewart crocheted a hole in order to escape prison. She held off the guards with a loaded hot glue gun for a short time but the authorities eventually caught her as she had unknowingly left a trail of glitter.

So... what Martha Stewart facts have you uncovered in your search for the truth?

An Open Letter to Jack Bauer

2010-03-24T08:00:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to Jack Bauer

Dear Agent Bauer:

What's up with that ridiculous loud whispering-repeating-everything thing? When you're sitting at the dinner table and you need the mashed potatoes from the other side of the table, do you do this?

[loud whisper] "Please pass the mashed potatoes. I repeat... please pass the mashed potatoes!

[then crazy gravelly yell] "Son-of-a-bitch! I spilled the gravy. Chloe, I need you on com! Send a chopper to my location with more gravy. I'm sending my GPS coordinates to your screen."

Also when are you going to figure out... there's always a mole working for the bad guy! I mean come on! How many seasons of the same plot devices and you haven't nailed this down yet?

Seriously, though, with nothing but love for ya,

Me

Related...

Dear Fox Network:

There are only so many terrorist and kidnapping plots that one man can foil whilst going "dark" but then eventually being commended by the President before it gets kiiiiiinda boring. I officially cancelled "24" from my DVR. No hard feelings, k? It's been a good run, really it has.

Sincerely,

Me

P.S. I understand censorship and the need to keep things clean for primetime television and everything, but seriously... Jack Bauer is routinely tortured, almost dies, and basically loses or alienates everyone in his life while in the course of saving the country/world from impending doom. Do you honestly expect me to believe that the strongest language he uses is "Dammit!" or "Son-of-a-bitch!"? If I was an undercover drug runner hooked on heroin torturing the love of my life shortly after finding out the other love of my life was a Moley McMolerson and I had a nuclear warhead following me around like that little thundercloud follows Daffy Duck, I'd probably at least utter some of these: #@*****$@#!!! or oidthadfgxxxxxxxxxx!!!!!1 or even asdfsemicolon!!!!! I'm just sayin'...

OMG

2010-03-10T08:28:00.003-06:00

This video has changed my life.

Do you hear me?

Changed.

My life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oavMtUWDBTM&feature=related

P.S. I have been AWOL because I am busy house-hunting and packing stuff in anticipation of selling my house.

Heather Cherry Comedy Roast

2010-02-10T11:30:00.000-06:00

It's time for the Heather Cherry Comedy Roast of vacuum cleaners, whirlpools, black holes, straws, siphons, and Nickelback.

...

You guys suck.

...

The end.

Heather Cherry Comedy Roast of...

2010-01-19T08:00:00.005-06:00

... Wiener Dogs!

Look at you, wiener dogs. You're so short. Yet so long at the same time. How does that even work? What's the deal with those tiny legs? Did someone chop them OFF while you're weren't looking? Pay a little more attention, wiener dogs. I mean, really.

You're so little but you think you're big and brave. For crap's sake, you fight badgers! Haven't you heard? Dooooooood... those things are, just totally... mean, evil little critters!

Why would you go up against these guys, huh? Come on. You have nothing to prove, wiener dogs. So quit showing off, srsly.

And what's with this nonsense? You dress up in ridiculous Mexican outfits? Tiny hats? What did I say about showing off?

Oh, hardy-har-har. A hotdog bun bed. How ironic and adorable. NOT!*

*Except it totally, totally is.

My little buddy, Deuce. Yep, my mom totally made that bun-bed up there.

Visit Carmen's blog for other weenie hijinks.

There's an App for that.

2010-01-13T13:05:00.000-06:00

Apparently there's an App for everything.

I wonder if there's an App that helps you find out whether there's an App for something?

There should be.

Awesome Vintage Advertisements: Enjoy!

2010-01-13T13:00:00.001-06:00

“My, my, Susan, but you sure can thread a needle like a pro!”

“Why thank you, Donna. You should see me handle a ninja throwing star.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing.”

Allow us to present this famous complexion authority. A baby holding a stuffed bunny. That’s right. Trust all your skin needs to this baby holding a stuffed bunny and you’ll never go wrong.

Yes, I feel exactly the same way about my vacuum cleaner as I do about the military man I’m pining away for. Forget the diamond, sweetie. When you come back from the war let’s celebrate by getting me that beautiful, big, sparkly Premier Vacuum I’ve always wanted!

In order to use Colman’s Self-Rising Flour, you must first arm yourself with a large shield, robe yourself in flag finery, grab the nearest curly-haired bull. Oh, and don’t forget the centurion helmet.

In this ad Wesson claims that their product is...

PURE
Okay, good. Pure is good.

DELICIOUS
I like delicious things.

VEGETABLE
Great. I need to eat more vegetables.

FAT
Wait, what?

“Everyone’s Choice”… particularly if you are a musketeer. Or a pirate. Or Inigo Montoya.

Awesome Vintage Advertisements: Special Thanksgiving Edition

2009-11-26T08:00:00.004-06:00

A Thanksgiving short story...

Gather 'round, kids, while I tell a story as old as the ages.

336 Thanksgivings ago a giant man ate all the pilgrims.

The End.

Happy Thanksgiving to all! Here's hoping a giant dude doesn't eat you and yours this holiday.

Awesome Vintage Advertisements: Important Military Biscuit Campaign

2009-11-24T12:30:00.000-06:00

After much cajoling from my tens of ones of fans, I have returned with more vintage ads... fresh out da oven and piping mad.

Come quickly, men. The biscuits, they are just around this bend. Courage, men!

I see them! I see the biscuits!

They can take our cookies. They can take our shortbread. Heck, even our scones! But they'll never take... our biscuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiits!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well done, fellows. We procured the biscuits. Now let us have a celebratory smoke. Huzzah! Huzzah, I say!

Just a reminder: be sure and purchase war bonds and biscuits to support our troops.

The Deveel... he hath taken my soul.

2009-11-24T11:45:00.000-06:00

Well, friends. I finally caved. I'm on Facebook. *hangs head in shame*

Since the inception of FB I have literally loathed it and swore I would never EVER join. I was known to regularly refer to MySpace and FB as "the devil". Then again, I used to think blogging was weird and Twitter was stupid. So there you go. I'm so evolved!

Anyhoo, you are all in luck because you can now be my friend on Facebook! OMG.

I fully expect you all to be throwing sheeps at me in short order.

Search heathercherryseaton

Meet Clover!

2009-10-06T10:42:00.011-05:00

This is Clover, Snuggles' new sister! I adopted her this weekend from Mid-America Bully Breed Rescue in Kansas City, Missouri.

Clover was picked up with her brother/son, Romeo, as a stray in Des Moines, Iowa. She was pregnant but all her puppies were euthanized. :o( A soldier adopted this beautiful girl but when he was unexpectedly deployed to the Middle East she ended up back at the shelter. Eventually MABBR drove to Iowa and picked her (and Romeo) up for their adoption program. She went into foster care.

Snuggles and I drove up to Kansas City this weekend to meet her. Snuggles got to stay in his first hotel and everything. He was SUCH a good boy.

The first meeting with Clover couldn't have gone any better. She and Snuggles played for a solid two hours and had an absolute ball together. I knew then that she was the one. The perfect fit for our family. We brought her home with us. The entire 5 1/2-hour trip home the two babies snuggled together in the back of my car. Since then they have been total BFF's. They even went to the mall and bought matching necklaces that say "Best Friends" on them. They are so silly!

I am happy as a clam. As are my two babies.

Our first family portrait

Do it for them.

2009-09-21T13:00:00.011-05:00

Georgia

Here is a partial list of the corporate sponsors for the Philadelphia Eagles:

Pepsi

Budweiser

Miller Lite

Heineken

Dunkin Donuts

Taco Bell

KFC

Papa John's

Lay's

Snapple

Jonny Justice

A complete list can be found here:

http://www.philadelphiaeagles.com/team/corporatepartners.html

I, along with many others, have decided to boycott these companies until they drop their sponsorships. I have written letters to most of them letting them know I won't be supporting them and outlining, politely, my reasoning. A quick, easy and free way to write letters is via PlanetFeedback.com. They provide the addresses and mail the letters on your behalf... no stamps, no hassle. Feel free to follow suit. I know for me it will be a sacrifice to go without some of my favorite things, especially food, however, it is nothing compared to the sacrifice the dogs made.

Lucas

Reflections on Turning 30

2009-09-11T08:00:00.000-05:00

Yes, ladies and germs, I am the big 3-0 today. I can hardly believe it. I'm not like a lot of people, who dread turning 30. I've actually looked forward to this. However, being 30 is not what I thought it would be. When I was younger, I always thought that by the time I turned 30 I would have arrived at the following:

-My first gray hair

-At least a wrinkle or two

-Marriage

-A stable career that I love

Well... these things have yet to happen. However, notwithstanding the last 2 items, I have had a great 30 years so far and hope to have at least 30 more!

Go me-e, it's mah birthday, go me-e it's mah birthday...

An Open Letter to my Dog

2009-09-08T13:20:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to my Dog

Dear Snuggles:

Please take note of the following...

No, I do not happen to find it cute when you decide to expel the contents of your special butt glands on the couch. Or my bed. Nor do I think it's adorable when you then go and plant the aforementioned butt upon my favorite unblemished pillow.

That's not another pit bull across the room that just happens to look exactly like you and coincidentally barks at you at the exact same time as you bark at him. That would be a mirror.

You might want to consider the fact that if you eat something odd, it's probably gonna feel odd coming out the other end, too. Don't eat sticks, rocks, shards of glass, sea anemones, or discarded syringes otherwise it's almost certainly going to feel a bit pokey the second time around. Don't say I didn't warn you.

The same goes for trying to eat the frog you found in the yard. There will likely be foaming at the mouth involved within seconds of getting hold of it.

Lastly, that one sticky-uppy ear, the eye patch and the ever-wiggly butt are incredibly endearing and yes, you may use those things to your advantage.

Love,

Heather

P.S. You are my most favoritest thing. Ever.

"Giantest Nom Ever" Caption Contest Winners

2009-09-08T11:20:00.000-05:00

First of all, my apologies for the long blog hiatus. I'm sure you've all cried buckets of tears over my absence and the vacuous vacuumy vacuum it no doubt caused. My bad.

Anyhoo, here is the long overdue winner of the "Giantest Nom Ever" caption contest...

Winner: Nan-Nan, with, "AAAccckkk!!! Thank GOD for the HEIMLICH MANEUVER!!!!"

And Runner-Up: Eric, with, "Bill Johnson discovers X-TREME SPELUNKING."

Caption This Thursday: Giantest Nom Ever

2009-07-16T08:04:00.003-05:00

"Beh-Behs" Caption Contest Winners

2009-07-15T17:17:00.005-05:00

This week's caption contest winners are:

Funnyrunner, with: "You will NEVER talk back to your parents... you should ALWAYS wear a condom before having sex...you will always do your best in school...always pour your mom another glass of wine when it gets low..."

and

Obladi Oblada, with: "At the 'Stepford Baby' programming center."

Here's your esteemed award!

Come back and play again tomorrow!

Welcome to the first edition of the Heather Cherry Comedy Roast

2009-07-15T10:25:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the Heather Cherry Comedy Roast of... ROAST!

Look at you, roast, there in the oven. All... roasty and stuff. Just lying there, stewing in your own juices like some sort of disgusting creep. Covered in foil like some sixth-grader's science project. Keeping company with carrots and onions and potatoes. You should be hanging out with steaks and baby back ribs and cheeseburgers and stuff. Weirdo.

And you know what? Having said your name over and over now, it sounds and looks weird.

Roast.

Roast.

It's a weird word. Just look at it.

Roast.

Ugh. Gross.

And what? You couldn't come up with a better name for yourself? "Roast." It's like calling yourself "Grilled" or "Fried." Actually, that's assuming your name is Roast-ED. So really it's like calling yourself "Grill" or "Fry." Fries, heh.

Hey French Fries, what's YOUR deal?..........................

Piper is out of baby jail!

2009-07-14T10:30:00.005-05:00

Piper McPipeyPants got to go home last night! And I finally got to hold her. She's only, like, the most awesomest thing ever to hold.

I'm an Aunt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-07-13T17:35:00.000-05:00

I know I've been absent all weekend from this here blog but it was for a good reason. My family and I have been at the hospital all weekend awaiting the arrival of Jake and Christy's baby. It's a girl! Her name is Piper Ann and she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. My sister-in-law is Wonder Woman. And my brother is a stud. We are all exhausted and elated. For more details, read on. Otherwise, here are some pictures of Piper. More to come...

Look. At. Those cheeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's more detail on Piper's story, if you're interested. Christy was due on July 3rd. Well, July 3rd came and went. Christy started having some contractions early on last week but nothing major. They got checked out a couple times but it still wasn't time to have a baby. Finally on Thursday afternoon, July 9th, Christy began having strong contractions. Jake took her to the hospital, where her water broke in triage. At that time she was 100% effaced. She was admitted and we all headed up to the hospital.

We camped out in the waiting room and wait we did. We waited and we waited and we waited. We slept on the floor, just waiting for some news. The nurse would come out periodically and give us updates. Let me explain that Christy was determined to have this baby naturally. No epidural, no c-section. It was very important to her. We were all behind her on that.

The nurse would come out and say, "Okay, she's in the bathtub now." Or "She's dilated at a 6 or 7 now." One time she came out and told us that Jake and Christy were in the room dancing. Precious!

Anyhoo, Christy eventually got stuck at a 9. Things were not progressing. She was exhausted and in a lot of pain. It was decided that in order to avoid a c-section she would get a little Pitocin and a light drip of pain meds. The meds were not for Christy's pain but to give her a chance to rest. She slept for a couple hours and then woke up strenthened and ready to push. In all she was in labor about 27 hours and she pushed for 3 hours. In the end her contractions stopped so she ended up pushing by herself and got that baby out all on her own.

Piper Ann was born at 6:40 p.m. on Friday, July 10th. She weighed 8 pounds even. She was a week late. She had a small collapsed place in each lung and was taken to NICU about an hour after she got to spend some time with Mommy and Daddy. She's been in the NICU all weekend but we're hoping she'll get released from baby jail this afternoon or evening sometime.

She's my new most favoritest thing ever!

That's IT!

2009-07-09T12:44:00.004-05:00

I’m growing my hair back out… OFFICIALLY.

Today I stopped by Wendy’s to pick up a salad (I’m on a diet, people!) and as I paid and got my food the woman working there said to me, “Thank you, sir.”

...

...

...

Sir?

SIR?!?!

I mean, I know I have short hair but in my defense I was wearing large hoop earrings, makeup, high heels, boobs. You know, stuff like that.

Not.

Cool.

So… now I’m off to shave my mustache and drown my sorrows in chocolate chip ice cream on a waffle cone.

Caption This Thursday: Beh-Behs

2009-07-09T10:05:00.001-05:00

In honor of Jake and Christy's baby this week (still not here and almost a week past the due date!), here is a beh-beh picture for you to caption.

Aaaaaaaand go!

A Short Story

2009-07-09T08:14:00.005-05:00

It was the summer of '67. A late storm was blowing through and folks were scattering, much like stuff that scatters. All the stores on Main Street closed up shop. It was only 3 o'clock in the afternoon but already the sky had darkened to a dusky hue. I stood under the awning outside Molly May's Bonnet Shoppe and cursed myself for leaving my umbrella at home. I ran for my car, charging through puddles without regard for my already ruined and soaked state.

Suddenly, I stopped cold. What I saw would change my life. Directly in front of me was the most shocking thing I'd ever seen. It was -

The End.

Top Ten Things I Collected as a Kid

2009-07-08T08:30:00.018-05:00

I grew up in the 80's. It was a happy time to be a kid. We had great toys and the freedom to go outside and play without fear of the boogeyman. Here are some of the things I collected when I was little:

Lightning bugs

Photo credit: Jamie Harmon, uberphoto.com

Troll dolls

Lisa Frank stickers

Clover flowers to make daisy chains

Friendship pins

Barbies

Those plastic charm necklaces with the whistle, roller skate, baby bottle, abacus, etc.

Jelly bracelets

Cool rocks

Candy

(I literally collected it. I had a makeup case full of my favorite candy. But much of the time I refused to eat it. Why? Because then I wouldn’t have it any longer. To eat.)

What did you collect when you were little? What generation do you think had the best childhood?

"Grab the Bull by the Horns" Caption Winners

2009-07-07T07:41:00.008-05:00

This week's winner is Eric, with "Mack Brown and University of Texas Football rolled out their new shock and awe campaign today." As requested you get to add a stripe to the award you won last week, Eric. But hey, give the little kids a chance, will ya?

Runner-up is Douglas Dyer, with "Technically the breeding scientists did make the prize bull 'hornier'."

And honorable mention goes to my mum, Nan-Nan, with "OOOOOh, Dinah won't ya blow, Dinah won't ya blow, Dinah won't ya blow your HO-OLY COW!?!?!?!?!?"

Congrats, everyone, and thanks to all who played this week!

An Open Letter to the Little Beh-Beh in My Sister-in-Law's Belleh

2009-07-06T15:01:00.006-05:00

An Open Letter to the Little Beh-Beh in My Sister-in-Law's Belleh

Dear Little Beh-Beh:

Dooooooooooooooood. Come out already. You were supposed to be out playing with me like, 3 days ago or something. Look, I know it's all comfy in there, squishy and soft and floaty and whatnot but have a little consideration for the rest of us out here in the world. Everyone's waiting, little dude (or dudette). Don't be rude.

Sincerely,

Your Aunt Heather

Caption This Thursday: Grab the Bull by the Horns

2009-07-02T11:00:00.000-05:00

Awesome Vintage Advertisements: Part I Dunno

2009-06-30T09:25:00.000-05:00

New vintage ads for your enjoyment.

"What are the wild waves saying?"

They're saying, "Shells can't talk, dummy!"

I think I'd look surprised and all screamy if my nose disappeared, too!

I don't think I'd like to play "Uncle Wiggily" with this guy. Wait, lemme check... nope, don't wanna play.

I just love ads that use Hitler propaganda to make a point.

Pepsi will help you torture your cat with Christmas decor. Yay!

I want you to look at the sled kid's face and then just imagine with me: he ate bran flakes right before zipping up into that snowsuit.

"Ice Cream for Health"?! Now THIS is a campaign I can get behind. Somebody get me one o' those colorful rubber bracelets to wear. Get me 3 of 'em.

An Open Letter to the "Home" Key on My Keyboard

2009-06-29T09:40:00.001-05:00

An Open Letter to the "Home" Key on My Keyboard

Dear "Home" Key:

How come you don't work? I have pressed you several times this morning yet here at work I remain. You suck.

Warmest regards,

Heather

P.S. Maybe I should invest in a Ruby Slippers Button.

"Butthead" Caption Contest Winner!

2009-06-29T08:50:00.000-05:00

So, for my very first ever caption contest, here are the results!

Tied for first place are:

Philip Dyer, with "Whoa, check out that hot piece of ash."

and

Eric, with "This just in... David Copperfield infuriated Claudia Schiffer when she asked him for a cigarette!"

You guys win this super cheesy award! Yay!

Runner-up is Funnyrunner, with "If the big bad wolf didn't kill Little Red Ridinghood, cigarettes would.

Honorable mention: Candice, with "It's not a tuma!"

And congrats to Winky Twinky for landing her "Butthead" comment into the title of this post!

Thanks, everyone! It was so hard to pick winners. Come back this Thursday for another round.

Worst Blind Dates Ever

2009-06-26T08:45:00.000-05:00

As I get older and singler, everyone and their hamster wants to set me up with their grandpa's brother's greatnephew's neighbor's friend's clone grown from a petri dish. Goes with the territory.

Here are my two worst blind dates ever, which also happen to be my only two blind dates ever. And people wonder why I don't want to go on any more of them???

Blind Date 1: Guy admits to having a personality disorder, asks me how much I weigh (!) and tells me how he used to tell his ex-girlfriend she needed to lose about 10 pounds. "No, no, but she liked it when I told her that. She needed the motivation, see?" He also spent the bulk of his time talking about his ex and how wonderful she was, how beautiful her eyes were and the pet names she called him.

Blind Date 2: Guy tells me freely that he loves to frequent gay bars and drag shows "just for fun." Then he chastises me for not having ever experienced it myself. Dude, are you serious??? YOU DO NOT TELL SOMEONE THIS ON A FIRST DATE. Or a second, or a third...

Blind Date 3: Not!

What was YOUR worst date, blind date or first date?

New Thing: Caption Contest

2009-06-25T10:23:00.002-05:00

Yeah, yeah, I know that a lot of blogs already do caption contests but I think they're a fun way to invite reader participation. And you get to find out how funny everyone is.

Sooo... caption dese wan!

Bent Objects

2009-06-24T08:05:00.000-05:00

Today I wanted to spotlight an artist that I just stumbled across recently. This guy Terry makes the most darling and kooky art out of found objects and wire and bits of things. Check his blog out and meantime, here are a few of my favorites from his collection:

Now tell me those weren't more fun than a pail of puppies? Trick question - NOTHING'S better than a pail of puppies.

Epic Win!

2009-06-24T08:00:00.001-05:00

My "Dating Jesus" headline won an award. Or, more specifically, a t-shirt! Thanks to "Mom" over at Life...EXAGGERATED for the props. Her headline meme is a great idea so check it out.

So... what does a real pit bull look like?

2009-06-23T08:05:00.001-05:00

Pit bulls, pitties, pits and pibbles.

What are we talking about?

First and foremost, it must be qualified that there is actually no such breed as a “Pit Bull.”

Huh...?

There are, however, 3 particular well-established breeds that fall under a category of dogs to which the term “pit bull” can be applied, as a sort of shortened generic nickname. Simply put, “pit bull”: not a breed, but a group of similar breeds.

The label “pit bull” frequently refers to the following:

The American Pit Bull Terrier

The “APBT” is generally medium in size with a solid, athletic look. The body is toned and lean without being overly muscular or bulky. Graceful and agile in movement, the breed standard calls for a weight typically ranging from 30 to 60 pounds.

The American Staffordshire Terrier

The “AmStaff” is commonly larger and heavier than the APBT, with a more blockish head and stockier legs. They usually weigh a maximum of 70 pounds.

*Though the APBT and AmStaff are descended from some of the same breeding lines, they have since become two distinct breeds. However, some breed enthusiasts actually consider the two to be essentially one in the same and it is not uncommon for a dog to have dual registry as an AmStaff through the American Kennel Club and as an APBT with the United Kennel Club. Pete the Pup, of Little Rascals fame was one such pooch.

The Staffordshire Bull Terrier

The “Staffy Bull” is a much smaller dog, short and squat with a stout build. They typically weigh less than 40 pounds. While some choose to crop the ears of the other two breeds, Staffy ears are almost always left natural.

*The breed originated in England but Americans later bred along different lines to produce a dog with more weight and height, eventually resulting in today’s AmStaff and APBT.

Did you get it right?

2009-06-21T21:05:00.003-05:00

So…

Which one is the pit bull?

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

ANSWER:

None of these dogs is a pit bull.

That’s right! None of them!
Did you pass the test?

Here are the answers in case you didn’t:

1. Cane Corso

2. American Bull Molosser

3. Alapaha Blue Blood Bulldog

4. Dogo Argentino

5. Boxer

6. Bull Terrier

7. American Bulldog

8. Old English Mastiff

9. Great Dane

10. American Bully

11. Fila Brasileiro

12. Boxer

13. American Bandogge Mastiff

14. Presa Canario

15. Dogue De Bordeaux (French Mastiff)

16. Boerboel

17. American Bulldog

18. Japanese Tosa

19. Black Mouth Cur

20. Neapolitan Mastiff

21. Banter Bulldog

22. Cão Fila De São Miguel

23. Thai Ridgeback

24. Alano Español

25. Bullmastiff

26. Bull Terrier

27. Patterdale Terrier

28. Rhodesian Ridgeback

29. Ca De Bou

30. American Bulldog

31. Olde English Bulldogge

32. Canis Panther

33. Valley Bulldog

34. American Bully

35. Catahoula Bulldog

36. Cão Dos Mourey

37. Cane Corso

Are you surprised?

For many people a “pit bull” is any large dog with a block-like head, prominent jaws and muscular physique. Others may associate the breed with cropped ears, brindle coat coloring or the proverbial patch over one eye. As you can see, there are so many dogs that fit these characteristics.

Is it any surprise then that so many aggressive dogs are misidentified as “pit bulls”? It is more common than most people are aware of for a news organization to run a “pit bull” attack story, only to find out later that it was not a “pit bull” involved at all, but some other breed altogether. Story retractions are rare so the public is none the wiser. We continue to believe that pit bull attacks are numerous, which further fuels our fear of the breed.

So now the question arises... after having taken this picture test would you now trust yourself to correctly identify a “pit bull”? Small dogs, big dogs, mutts, Rottweilers, even Labrador Retrievers have mistakenly been described as “pit bulls” by witnesses to dog attacks.

Well, okay then...
Just what does a pit bull look like?

Find out in my next post!

(Or just click here.)

Until then, gaze upon the cutest pibble there ever was: Snuggles.

Fun fact: My 50-pound pit bull has actually been mistaken for a Jack Russell Terrier. He's also been mistaken for a Boxer, a Dalmation, a Bull Terrier, (like Spuds McKenzie and the "Target Dog") and a cow.

Half-Moon Manicure

2009-06-19T20:16:00.014-05:00

I want to get a couple more people to take the pit bull identification test before I post the answers and more info. So until then I'll just post this picture of my cute new half-moon manicure. (No, it's not black, it's dark navy.)

This vintage style is coming back in vogue but it used to be the way ladies painted their nails all the time back in the day. Sort of like a French or American Manicure except that the moons in addition to the tips were left white. It was considered a bit on the edge to paint the entire nail like we're used to now. Your girlie historical fact for the day!

Sorry, fellas. Here's some, uh... stuff for you.

Can You Spot the Pit Bull?

2009-06-18T09:20:00.004-05:00

Think you know what a pit bull looks like?

Why not test yourself…

(And be careful to avoid hovering over the pictures to see the file names - otherwise, what's the point in taking the quiz? See if you can really do it. The results may really surprise you.)

So...

Can You Spot the Pit Bull?

9

10

11

12

So... how did you do? Do you really know what a pit bull looks like? Do you think you passed the test? Stay tuned for my next post where the answers will be revealed...

(Editor's note: or you can go here for the answers.)

In the meantime, leave your guesses in the comments section. I'm really curious to see what the consensus is. Try not to look at what anyone else says so that it's only your opinion that's being given. Feel free to guess what breed the other dogs are on this list, too. It's kinda fun to try and pick them out if you know your dogs well. FYI, only a couple of people have EVER passed this test. See if you can do it and be one of the very few.

Top Ten Signs You Are Addicted to Blogging

2009-06-16T12:00:00.002-05:00

Top Ten Signs You Are Addicted to Blogging

You barely know any of your "friends'" real names because they are all using semi-anonymous blogger usernames. And referring to them in conversation can be a pain in the back, "I was commenting back and forth with 'Chick-a-Chick-a-Boom-Boom-Tally-Ho-and-So-on-and-So-Forth' the other day and she said the funniest thing!"

When something funny, strange, unbelievable or emotional happens, the first thing to come to mind is, "OMG I hafta blog about this!"

You do the happy dance everytime you log onto Blogger to find that you have a new Follower.

Your blog page takes a minimum of 14 minutes to load due to all of the crazy widgets you've added to your ever-growing sidebar.

You "drunk dial" yourself in the middle of the night while on Lunesta because you have suddenly come up with some great blog topics and don't want to bother with getting up to write them down. So you call your own voicemail only to wake up the next morning and find bizarre and cryptic messages like, "Captain's Log: Robots have taken over the refrigerator. Remember to grab the cheese before the mice join the crusade. Also, top ten list for silliest super glue uses."

You spend a minimum of 13.75 hours photoshopping stupid humorous photos for a specific post.

Anything anyone mentions in conversation can inevitably lead to your mentioning of the blog. "Strange weather we've been having lately, no?" "I know, right? I was just discussing that on my blog the other day."

You actually dream all night about reading and commenting on other bloggers' posts.

You have 27 different blogs just because you enjoy designing new layouts and graphics and you CAN'T STOP.

[your answer here... how do you know you're addicted to blogging?]

Informal Poll: Which collar should I get for Snuggles?

2009-06-15T14:28:00.015-05:00

His current one is irritating his poor little skinsies. Which one of these should I get him to replace it?

This one, (the one on the bottom, with the 2 rows)?

This one?

Or this one?

And should I get him black or brown? I know he's black and white and black should "go" better but at the moment I'm leaning towards brown. It just looks nice on him, I think.

Here's a reminder of his adorability. Picture this cuteness in your head while you're deciding on your answers to the poll.

What a good-lookin' pooch.

Tweet, tweet, tweet...

2009-06-15T08:55:00.007-05:00

Okay, so I said I wouldn't do it and here I went and did it. I set up a Twitter account. My future niece/nephew (still in the belleh for another few weeks or so) is already tweeting so I set up an account to keep up with his/her shenanigans. Guess I might as well do some "tweets" myself. I really don't get it yet so any of you out there in teh blogosphere that want to share some tips, lemme know! And hey, if you feel like follerin' me, go fer it! I had to pick the annoying username of HeatherCherryS because some jerk already took HeatherCherry! Even Heather_Cherry was taken. UGH! Anyhoo, get to following me and you'll have such explosively stimulating updates as these to look forward to:

@everyone Just picked my nose... dug out a really good one.

@everyone Stuck in traffic. It's boring. Almost as boring as this Tweet.

@everyone Dusting the furniture.

@everyone Watching paint dry. Neat!

Totally kidding, folks. I'm not going to be one of THOSE twittererererers. It will hopefully be insightful, interesting, obnoxious, funny or thought-provoking or I won't post it. Something like:

@everyone Thinking that it's time for Dippin' Dots to change their slogan from "The Ice Cream of the Future" to "The Ice Cream of 21 Years Ago".

In fact, gonna go tweet that right now.

Chau, homepeeps!

An Open Letter to the Kid at the Grocery Store

2009-06-14T17:35:00.001-05:00

An Open Letter to the Kid at the Grocery Store

An Open Letter to the Kid at the Grocery Store that Bagged My Groceries [read: one tiny bottle of salad dressing] and When I Asked if You Could Help Me Carry It Out to My Car You Said "Sure!":

I was kidding.

Thanks, though.

Sincerely,

Heather Cherry

What I DID Buy Last Weekend: Vehicle Edition

2009-06-13T08:00:00.000-05:00

I'm so pumped cuz I finally bought a Honda Element A.K.A. Lego Car A.K.A. Blue Toaster last weekend.

Snuggles really likes riding in it, which is awesome and a great change of pace from how he acted in the Smart Car:

Those of you who cart your dogs around in SUV-types, what do you find is the best way to secure your pup? I've been putting on his harness and clipping on his 2 point-contact leash, which is looped around a caribiner, which is connected to the caribiner that attaches the fold up seat to the side of the car. Just wondering if there's a better way. Please share your thoughts, rejoinders, comments, retorts and insults.

We thank ye muchly.

Time for a Jealousy-Inducing Post

2009-06-12T08:17:00.011-05:00

Nanny-nanny-boo-boo, look who had a sleepover at my house last night! MUWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Here's the situation: I heard from a fellow rescuer who feeds a lot of strays. She's been going to a local junkyard for quite some time now, feeding the myriad of dogs out there. They just keep breeding and having babies forever and ever. The owner of the junkyard doesn't feed any of them, doesn't want them and pays them no mind. Even worse, in order to apparently kill off the fleas and ticks he has doused several of them in DIESEL FUEL!!! Absolutely unbelievable. So last night we rescued this mama and her babies and more rescues are planned for today. Just look at this sad mama's face. Looks like she's been through a lot, huh?

Vintage Advertisements: Creepy Dudes, Clowns and Elves Edition

2009-06-11T14:15:00.000-05:00

No, I do not want to play tennis with you and your parrot and your bottle of liquor. Maybe next time. Maybe never. I'll hafta think 'pon it. There. I thought 'pon it. No. No tennis with clowns. Or parrots. Or bottles of brandy. Okay, maybe parrots.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, it's hiLARious to blow people up, especially when they're not expecting it!

Oh. Dear. Sweet... In the name of all that is holy... I mean...

An entire ARMY OF CLOWNS?!?!?! I can think of, well, not much that is creepier than this. They will RAIN DOWN THE JOLLY ON YOU LIKE THE HELLFIRES OF SHEOL.

Okay this little baby dude is really freakin’ cute but honestly, if that lil' chubster popped out of my soup thermos it would freak me right the crap out. Too much like a jack-in-the-box. I never liked those. So… despite the endearing little poem, no, Campbell’s, I am not interested in what you’re selling, buck-o.

And speaking of things popping out of things… NO! I do not need that old Quaker dude suddenly appearing from inside my flowers, tryin’ to sell me his oatmeal! No, no, no, no…

Om-nom-nom-nom… how cute!

Wait…

Is that a…

Clown?!?!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHakdivfha$pligEaw&riXh!!!!!!

Sterling Stoves: “A Barrel of Fun!”

Looks more to me like a barrel of creepy baby clowns.

Why does Wrigley’s hire elves to put up their billboards? And do you suppose the elves have some sort of union?

Appreciating teh Simple Things in Life

2009-06-10T09:27:00.008-05:00

I like to stop and smells dah cloverz sumtyms.

Life is sooooooooo byootiful. Speshully when I get to run around all nekkid-like in dah back yard after my baff. Baffs are not byootiful, however.

[Other contributer note: Dang it! Why didn't this show up as a Snuggles post? He posted it, not me! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... annoying!]

Doga

2009-06-09T07:55:00.006-05:00

My preggers sister-in-law goes to a yoga class on Monday nights, appropriately and cutely named "Mamaste." Last night she noticed they also offer a doggie yoga class. Apparently the class is only about 5 minutes long, though, cuz dogs only know 2 poses:

Downward Facing Dog and Upward Facing Dog.

ba-dum-bump

*rimshot*

I'll be here all week.

You are Cordially Invited... to a Fashion Snarcasm Session

2009-06-08T10:43:00.000-05:00

From the "Oh crap, no!" Files.

Let's do this thing...

And the winner of this year's title for "Miss Zebra USA" is... this chick!

She looks completely bewildered by teh ugly.

Speaking of bewildered. Uhhhhh................. what?

This. Is not a dress. I repeat. This. Is not a dress. It's a bib.

The 80's called. They want their fugly dress back. STAT.

This one's called the "Tartan Puffball." More like crapball.

Okay, I'm just going to go on the record and say I DON'T LIKE TULIP DRESSES. It looks like this model is trying to smuggle a cardboard box under there.

No.

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no I need a nap.

Look deeeeep into my rose. I will hypnotize you into thinking this isn't the butt ugliest dress you ever saw.

Looks like Laura Ashley ate my granny's couch and then vomited it back up onto this model.

Is this a jogging suit or a cocktail dress? Cuz honestly I really can't tell.

I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I want you... to throw this dress into a dumpster.

Suddenly I have the urge to do some origami.

I really have no words for this one. Wait, strike that. Actually, I do. I didn't think that tulip dresses could get uglier, stupider or more trashbaggy looking.

This one is called the "Extreme Tulip Dress." Extreme for extremly abysmal.

Sweet sassafrass, the back view is even worse. What woman would want her butt to look this big? I mean there's stupid, and then there's this.

Do you think the hostess will mind if I wear my new bathing suit to the garden party?

A dress really ought not to have this many right angles.

Anyone need a dinner napkin?

This model looks like she got punched in the stomach just before the picture was taken. And she's trying to stay strong. It's cool. Just hooooold it together for the photo.

Speaking of, it seems like a lot of the models are post-tummy-punch with their weird poses. Check it out:

*************************************

In all fairness, I found some amazingly beautiful things on this particular site and will be posting them on a future "What I'm NOT Buying this Weekend." Check out Margo's site for the skinny on this meme. I think a lot of folks have been confused by my past postings because they think I DIDN'T LIKE the stuff I posted that I "didn't buy." On the contrary, I wanted ALL of those things. The point of the game is that you window shop for stuff you adore but instead of spending the money you save it by living vicariously and posting the items on your blog for all to see. And on those occassions when you actually DO purchase something you post it all the same so others can also live vicariously through you. Get it?

Check out the Clothing Swap Blog!

2009-06-08T08:15:00.015-05:00

If you've never been over to check out my other OTHER blog, run by my buddy Moi and me, please come over and see what you've been missing. Here's some of the latest offerings up for swap:

And here's some swaps you already missed out on...

SWAPPED!:

Come on over and have a look-see...

From the Memoirs of Dr. J. Patrick Crain, Esquire

2009-06-04T08:48:00.004-05:00

I would vandalize my boss’s house if I knew exactly where it was.

All I know is that it is in the middle of the woods and is made of gingerbread.

Dating Jesus

2009-06-02T17:13:00.006-05:00

I went to a Christian college many a moon ago and during my time there I bore witness to an abundance of girls that sorely disappointed the male population on campus by deciding not to date any of them and proudly declaring instead that they were "dating Jesus." It was quite the phenomenom, due in part to a book that had become very popular at the time. This particular book detailed the evils of dating and exhorted young women to eschew this foolhardy practice. And eschew, they did.

The problem with dating Jesus, as my brother and sister-in-law were discussing with me the other day, is that once you meet The One, then there's that sticky bit of breaking up with Jesus! And tell me... just how does one break up with the Almighty?

It’s not you, it’s me. OBviously, since you’re perfect and everything. Talk about holier-than-thou! As if I can even compete with that.

It’s just not working out, Jesus. Look, it’s just that… dude. You ever heard of a haircut and a shave? And seriously, do you have to ALWAYS wear mandals? It’s kind of embarrassing. Don't even get me started on that ratty old bathrobe of yours.

We can still be friends and hang out and stuff. I mean… that water to wine thing is a pretty cool party trick, right?

I really want to keep in touch, though. I mean, come on, I pretty much think you hung the moon. Come to think of it, you actually DID do that. So that’s cool… and stuff…

So… uh…

Text me?

So... how would you break up with Jesus?

An Open Letter to the Dudes in the House

2009-05-29T10:52:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to the Dudes in the House

Dear Fellas:

What is the deal with the hitting on me when I'm at my worst thing? I can be a sweaty, dirty, unwashed mess in a sloppy t-shirt and baggy yoga pants and you pick this time to flirt with me? I run to the Home Depot in the middle of a home improvement project or I schlep into PetSmart covered in dog fur to get Snuggles' nails ground down and apparently my ungroomed appearance translates to "Please check me out." I just don't get it. Why not when I'm all dolled up in a dress and red lipstick and all that crap? I have polled some male friends to figure out this phenomenon and I still don't understand. Don't get me wrong. It's flattering and all but it's just that..., seriously what the crap?

Please. Enlighten me.

Thanks,

Heather

cc: All mah grrrrrrrrls in the house... does this happen to you, too???

I made up a new word.

2009-05-28T16:02:00.004-05:00

I was calling Snuggles a fur-person, which then became "furson." I like it. I shall keep it.

One time I saw an Asian kid wearing bizarre clothing and his hair stuck out in all directions like an anime character and I was like, "Lookit that crazy Asian......... Crasian! HAHAHA!" Another time I was talking about the character of Kelly on The Office and how valley girl she is. Which led to "trendian." Because she's Indian. Dot, not feather. Jake and Christy can both attest to the genius that led to the creation of these awesome words.

And then long time ago my brother and I started saying the word "ginormous" and then suddenly it got all *popular* (finger quotes) and crap. How'd that happen?

Have you ever made up a fun word? How about a word that you heard later and you SWORE you invented it first?

10 Tips For Keeping the Romance Alive

2009-05-26T11:30:00.001-05:00

Now, I love romantic stuff. Don't get me wrong. But some ideas are just D-U-M-B. The following is someone's idea of a list of romantical thingies to do:

1. As your partner bathes, warm a towel in the dryer.

2. Next time you order a pizza, ask to have it cut into a heart shape.

3. Buy a copy of your partner's favorite childhood book. Read it to them in bed.

4. Give your partner a magic gift box. Every month place a new small gift in it.

5. Plant a tree, then on each anniversary, drink champagne next to it and talk with your partner about how your love and the tree have grown.

6. Put an artificial rose in the center of 12 real ones. On a card, write: "I will love you until the last rose fades."

7. Give your partner a push on a swing set. This can bring back happy memories.

8. Go for a walk on the beach. Trace out the shape of a large heart in the sand. Sit inside it an [sic] cuddle.

9. Photocopy your hand and fax a copy to your partner with a message: "Do you wanna hold hands?"

10. Take your partner on an umbrella-free walk in the rain. Jump in the puddles.

Boy, if I had a nickel for everytime that list contained the word "partner"... well, I'd have about 7 nickels!

My friend Patrick is one of the funniest people I know and he wrote up a new list for your enjoyment. So without further ado, I give you Dr. J. Patrick Crain, Esquire, Guest Blogger Extraordinnaire! And his Top Ten Tips for Totally Killing the Romance:

1. As your partner bathes, throw a warm toaster in the tub.

2. Next time you order a pizza, ask the pizza man to cut out the heart of your nagging significant other.

3. Kidnap a child off of the black market. Make it mow the lawn for your partner.

4. Give your partner a magic set. Then tell them that you find magicians creepy.

5. Plant a tree, then on each anniversary, drink Lost Lake beer next to it and talk with your partner about the stunning resemblance between his or her face face and the bark of the tree.

6. Buy your partner a coupon for $10 off your next artificial insemination.

7. Give your partner a push on a swing set. After you have loosened the links so that your partner will sail through the air and onto the nearby freeway. Which could bring back happy memories.

8. Go for a walk on the beach. Make sure your partner is barefoot so they will step on the discarded needles. This works especially well on Venice Beach.

9. Photocopy your hand and fax it to your partner. Prepare yourself for all hell breaking loose as your partner will more than likely get fired for wasting company time and money. All because you're a wuss. And a non-clever one, at that.

10. Take your partner on an umbrella-free walk in the rain. And then watch how fast pneumonia puts the kibosh on things.

Top Ten Songs on My 80's Playlist - Part Deux

2009-05-22T12:00:00.004-05:00

Open Arms - Journey

Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now - Starship

Rosanna - Toto

After the Love is Gone - Earth, Wind and Fire

Almost Paradise - Ann Wilson and Mike Reno

Alone – Heart

Love Story – The Cure

The Promise – When In Rome

Every Time You Go – Paul Young

I Want Your Sex – George Michael

*Catch Part One here.

An Open Letter to the Doctor in the House

2009-05-21T08:00:00.001-05:00

An Open Letter to the Doctor in the House

Dear Doc:

I have been eating these mini-bags of buttered popcorn from a box at the back of my pantry for weeks now. I just now saw that the bags are imprinted with the following: "Best by February 2009."

Am I going to die?

Eagerly awaiting your reply,

Heather

Deep Thoughts, by Dan Liebert

2009-05-19T20:00:00.017-05:00

THE GAME OF HORSESHOES
The game of horseshoes is actually very aerobic if you leave the horses in them.

COLONIAL WILLIAMSBURG
I think Colonial Williamsburg would seem way more authentic if, when the tourist bus arrived, all those people in Colonial costumes ran away screaming in terror.

MY LIVING WILL
I no longer wish to go on living if I should lose control of my body functions or if my mind is in a vegetative state or if I have that "old-man smell."

WOLF-CHILD
If you're a wolf-child raised by wolves and a professor finds you and adopts you, I think your wolf parents should still have visitation rights, at least on weekends and wolf holidays.

A UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY

If you were at the deathbed of a woman you secretly loved all your life but whom you never had the courage to tell and then she tells you that she secretly loved you all these years, what a great opportunity that would be to practice your "poker face."

MERRY-GO-ROUND
Do you ever feel like your life's going nowhere and you're on a merry-go-round just going around and around? Isn't that cool? I love that feeling.

NO "DOORMAT" FOR ME
I don't want a woman to be a "doormat" for me. I want a woman to be like one of those rubber pads you put under rugs to keep them from slipping. I really respect those.

STUDENT DAYS
I remember my student days, when a foam mattress on the floor was my bed, and bricks and boards were my shelves, and my school books were just empty cereal boxes made to look like school books.

A GOOD LESSON
When college kids wantonly tear down a goalpost after a football game, they should be forced to go to a forest and watch a tree grow for 40 years and maybe they'll think twice about doing that again.

RELATIONSHIPS
She believes the key to relationships is "trust," whereas I've always felt the most important thing in a relationship is me.

HOME DEPOT NIGHTMARE

I had a nightmare that I found the woman of my dreams but she was on a top shelf at Home Depot and I couldn't find anyone to get her down. I finally found a guy in an orange vest, but by the time he came back with a ladder she was an old lady.

FAMILY
A family is like the fingers of a hand: each finger is weak but together they can make a fist to beat up other families who don't know the "fist trick."

TORNADO
A really amazing, totally unbelievable tornado would be one that roared through a town and cleaned all the useless junk out of garages and sheds and arranged the rest of the stuff neatly on shelves.

Check out McSweeney's for more funny stuff I wish I had written.

The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.

2009-05-19T10:22:00.002-05:00

Beach update: yep, as anticipated, it's awesome here. We've been pigging out on gelato, sweet tea, seafood (not me, ick!), chocolate, fruity drinks and ice cream.

And I miss Snuggles like the deserts miss the rain. It's the first time I've been away from him for more than 8 hours or so. :o(

He did send me a text this morning, though. It said eiakkd;gjabdukjgficnmke. Cuz his paws are really big.

Awesome Vintage Advertisements, Part I've Lost Count

2009-05-18T09:00:00.001-05:00

More vintage silliness.

Fact: Not smoking Camels will instantly give you a gigantic screamy tiger head. Also, apparently, "Pleasure Helps Your Disposition." Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Okay... um. Am I the only one creeped out by the fact that there are COWS in this ad for SAWS? Why? Why, oh whyyyyyyyyyyyy the cows?!

*weeping*

*wailing*

*thrashing about wildly*

Yeah, ladies. Pipes r hott. Am I right or am I right? The dude looks like my uncle or something with that thing perched in his mouth. Well, not my uncle specifically, but someone's uncle. I'm willing to bet this guy lounges around the house in a silk robe and socks with garters.

"Neglect may lead to amputation--even death." You better take heed because if you get a cut on your neck, like this fella, and it gets infected they will have to amputate your head right off! And then where will you be, smarty-pants? Remember: Band-Aids save lives. And prevent decapitations.

A rare glimpse at an early precursor to the modern-day Wikipedia. Guaranteed to make your friends feel like total ignorant losers around you.

Be sure to wear your best suit, dress or striped boxer shorts while using equipment. Opera-length gloves, a monocle, stilletos and suspenders not required but strongly encouraged for best results.

What I'm NOT Buying this Weekend: Home Edition

2009-05-16T08:00:00.001-05:00

That's right! It's the What I'm NOT Buying this Weekend: Home Edition! And without all that annoying Ty Pennington screaming into a bullhorn ridiculousness.

I found some amazing things to NOT buy for my house this weekend. Hope you enjoy NOT buying them, too. You may even want to NOT copy me by NOT buying them either. But come on. Be original, people.

First up is this lamp. It makes my heart hurt because it's so beautiful. I want to propose to it and carry it over the threshhold and make it chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast.

Fruiteria Lamp

$228

Okay, I'll admit this couch is a little loud but hey, so am I.

Amelie Sofa

$3,898 originally

On sale for $1,950
Plus $250 shipping

Corrigan Chair - $1,998 plus $150 shipping

Seed Packet Pillow - $198

Eat, Drink and Be Merry Chandelier - $4,800
(I could totally make that chandelier out of antique silver! And I should!)

Milo Sofa - $ 2,998 plus $300 shipping

Isola Bella Pillow - $58

Coral Courtyard Curtain - $108 each, $216 for two panels

Colossal Bloom Rug - Originally $998, on sale for $500 plus $30 shipping

Tufted Ditte Sofa - $4,998 plus $300 shipping

Wide World Pillow - $118

Annais Curtain - $198 each, $396 for two panels

Whorled Trapunto Rug
$998
Plus $30 shipping

Turn-of-the-Century Rug

$998

Plus $30 shipping

Now, I normally don’t go around shopping for birdhouses but I happened across this one and it’s so dang adorable I just had to put it on here, too. I can just picture it hanging from a tree. I would want to live in a giant green acorn if I were a birdie. I have a feeling that Sparkle will like this one, too.

Acorn-Sweet-Acorn Birdhouse

$38

All items this week from Anthropologie. Because I have an addiction. And admitting it is the first step.

Fun with Catalogs in the Bathroom at My Office

2009-05-14T15:50:00.000-05:00

Catalog copy can be fun to read. Maybe it reminds me of the J. Peterman stuff from Seinfeld. I don’t know. But there is some really ridiculous copy floating around out there. I found this catalog at work. It’s like a fancy-shmancy catalog of décor and gadget-y things for really nice houses. There are some interesting things to be read and seen in there. For example:

“Hey, kids! I’ve got a great idea! Let’s put on our church clothes and go out to the backyard and roast marshmallows!”

“Daddy, I’m cold.”

“Shake it off, honey. Shake it off.”

Check out the dull look in this guy’s eyes. What he’s thinking: I could stay awake, just to hear you breathin’… don’t wanna close my eyeeeeeeeeeees, don’t wanna faaaaaaaall asleep cuz I miss you baby, and I don’t wanna miss a thaaa-aaang!

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom! I got you a fan! Can I have your Jag when you die?

“Others are mere angel hair compared to the World’s Thickest Noodle.” Well, hardy-har-har. This is the World’s Dumbest Product to Apply a Superlative To.

European Beanbags: Hip outdoor seating.” Paradoxically, it’s the squareness that makes them hip. And European.

“The drama of fire complemented by the soothing sound of water. Our sculptural masterpiece pays tribute to two earthen elements in one self-contained piéce de résistance.” More like piéce de cráp.

It looks like this guy is wearing a long white nightshirt. He doesn’t know whether to enjoy the hammock with his wife or declare “Bah, humbug.” Hey buddy, say hullo to Jacob Marley for me. Really bad photo composition on this one, methinks.

“We set out to create the greatest beverage tub on Earth—behold the impressive result.” Well, congratu-freakin-lations. But maybe you didn’t get the memo. It’s a BEVERAGE TUB.

Oh no? You didn't get the memo either? It’s a FAKE ARTICHOKE. Not a Ming Dynasty vase.

*******************************************

Quick note: for the next week I'll be on vacation with my family at the beach. Suck it - bwahahahaha! Just kidding. Anyhoo, I'll probably be a bit absent from the blerg but I'm setting up some posts to auto-publish while I'm frolicking in the sand. You know, to please the unwashed masses.

Miss me bunches! XOXO!

Yea for cool, rad and awesome mammatus clouds!

2009-05-14T07:20:00.000-05:00

I walked out of my house last night and saw this:

They're called mammatus clouds and they're my favorite and also fairly rare. Read more about them here.

Pit Bull Attack!

2009-05-13T08:26:00.003-05:00

Snuggles attacked the Leaf Hog last night. Mehbeh he thought it was a real hog? Anyhoo, watch the jowl action.

New from Hasbro

2009-05-12T16:00:00.007-05:00

Here be an artist's rendering of the single Peony I pluck-ed from my garden today. Ain't she cute?

Nofe air that I have a neighbor with bajillions of them and she never even picks a single one to put in a lovely vaaaaaaaaaaaz. She just lets them get all big and heavy and droopy and then they just die like that. *sadness*

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

2009-05-11T14:38:00.015-05:00

So my Reese's Peanut Butter Cup sandwich cookies have a PEANUT ALLERGY WARNING on the box.

...

*cricket*

...

*cricket*

...

You mean to tell me that Reese's Peanut Butter Cups have peanut butter in them? And that peanut butter has actual PEANUTS in it??? Whaaaaaaaaaaa? And the warning is right smack dab where you grab to open the package, like one last ditch effort to warn you. As if to say, "Hey dumbass, if you're allergic to this then don't eat it, k?"

Have we become so litigious that these warnings are really necessary? I mean if you have an allergy to peanuts and you think it's okay to eat a snack that HAS PEANUT BUTTER IN IT, then perhaps we should just let the laws of nature take over and weed you out of the herd anyway?

This just in. My carton of milk contains milk products. Also, that bushel of wheat I picked up down at the gen'ral store has wheat-y things in it.

Mute Monday Topic: Spirits

2009-05-11T08:25:00.001-05:00

Desperate Plea for an Introduction... to... YOU!

2009-05-10T18:00:00.005-05:00

This is my query: are you out there? Are you reading this blog? If you're not "following" me or haven't ever made a comment, wouldn't you please comment on this post? I'd like to know who's out there reading all anonymous-like and such. Or, as Mountain Muddah likes to say "blurking" (blog-lurking).

Pretty please?

Hi everybody! Happy Mother's Day to all ye mums out there. And most of all, Happy Mother's Day to my mom. I love you like I love cake! (Actually much, much more...)

Heather Cherry

[SNUGGLES] And how was ur day, Mummy?

An Open Letter to My Dogs

What is smellier than Brussels sprouts being cooked?

The Open Letters Blog

Retch-tables

An Open Letter to the State of Arizona

More Questionable Decor

Word Verification

Smells like freedom... and burning plastic.

An Open Letter to My Credit Card

Model Behavior

An Open Letter to My Alarm Clock

[CLOVER] Pawprints, shmawprints

Questionable Decorating

'Nother Round of Vintage Ads

[SNUGGLES] Pack-packs!

Snow Blizzard Ice Calamity of 2011

[CLOVER] I got crabs!

[CLOVER] Yes, we are HOTT. So what?

An Open Letter to the Remote Control

Um... anybody still out there?

Piper's Diapers

Happy Easter!

Martha Stewart Facts

An Open Letter to Jack Bauer

OMG

Heather Cherry Comedy Roast

Heather Cherry Comedy Roast of...

There's an App for that.

Awesome Vintage Advertisements: Enjoy!

Awesome Vintage Advertisements: Special Thanksgiving Edition

Awesome Vintage Advertisements: Important Military Biscuit Campaign

The Deveel... he hath taken my soul.

Meet Clover!

Do it for them.

Reflections on Turning 30

An Open Letter to my Dog

"Giantest Nom Ever" Caption Contest Winners

Caption This Thursday: Giantest Nom Ever

"Beh-Behs" Caption Contest Winners

Welcome to the first edition of the Heather Cherry Comedy Roast

Piper is out of baby jail!

I'm an Aunt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's IT!

Caption This Thursday: Beh-Behs

A Short Story

Top Ten Things I Collected as a Kid

"Grab the Bull by the Horns" Caption Winners

An Open Letter to the Little Beh-Beh in My Sister-in-Law's Belleh

Caption This Thursday: Grab the Bull by the Horns

Awesome Vintage Advertisements: Part I Dunno

An Open Letter to the "Home" Key on My Keyboard

"Butthead" Caption Contest Winner!

Worst Blind Dates Ever

New Thing: Caption Contest

Bent Objects

Epic Win!

So... what does a real pit bull look like?

Did you get it right?

Half-Moon Manicure

Can You Spot the Pit Bull?

Top Ten Signs You Are Addicted to Blogging

Informal Poll: Which collar should I get for Snuggles?

Tweet, tweet, tweet...

An Open Letter to the Kid at the Grocery Store

What I DID Buy Last Weekend: Vehicle Edition

Time for a Jealousy-Inducing Post

Vintage Advertisements: Creepy Dudes, Clowns and Elves Edition

Appreciating teh Simple Things in Life

Doga

You are Cordially Invited... to a Fashion Snarcasm Session

Check out the Clothing Swap Blog!

From the Memoirs of Dr. J. Patrick Crain, Esquire

Dating Jesus

An Open Letter to the Dudes in the House

I made up a new word.

10 Tips For Keeping the Romance Alive

Top Ten Songs on My 80's Playlist - Part Deux

An Open Letter to the Doctor in the House